Why do I keep a blog? (I seem to be in the process of questioning just about every aspect of my life.) Initially, I started this project as a means of articulating some of the many thoughts that float through my head each week. Since I have always preferred to communicate to other people, it seemed natural to open this to the general public. I invited old friends, new friends, immediate family members, and a potential love interest to read along. I couldn’t imagine that anyone else would be interested in what I have to say, especially since so much of what I write is personal. I hoped that my blog would serve as a point of contact for many of my friends with whom I am not in frequent contact, but about whom I care. Creating a virtual space seemed to be the solution for keeping everyone abreast of my thoughts and news.
After I started writing, I received enough feedback from friends to let me know they were reading and deduced (incorrectly) from several chance encounters that my potential love interest was also reading. Motivation for writing was not hard to find. Not only had I found a release by articulating my thoughts, but also I was compelled to weave pieces of my past into my descriptions of my present activities as a means of sharing. As the months passed, my audience changed. Many of my friends and family members stopped reading. Last month I learned that the woman I wanted to date had neither logged on to the site nor kept the web address for future reference. Presently, my readers are comprised predominately of people I have never met.
As I find myself struggling to cope with the change in my life and doubting whether I have the strength needed to continue digging deeper to meet the many challenges that have been facing me on a weekly basis, I suddenly find myself at a loss for words. How do I communicate my present thoughts without sounding as miserable as I feel? How do I address some of my deep-seeded fears in the presence of an unfamiliar audience? I have found it easier to remain silent than to face the space that is imposed by writing to strangers. Today it occurred to me that by not making writing a priority, I am allowing my center of gravity to shift from an internal to an external space. It is time for me to take a deep breath and share some of the thoughts that have been floating around my head for the past month. I made a pledge to do my best to BE Em. If I am going to do this, I believe I need to write, regardless of competing demands for my time and my ever-changing audience.
I have felt overwhelmed recently. There is a lot going on within my head that I would like to share, that I will share when I am able to sit and focus on me instead of on finishing my dissertation.
Recently, I have felt like a fish swimming in murky water seeking warmth and familiarity. This week I took a bold step in renewing contact with a man who was a very important part of my life for 10 years, a man I was within two months of marrying in 1997 when our relationship ended. I suppose it took me 7 years to feel ready to contact him again, to be able to read about his serious girlfriend and feel nothing but happiness for him. In the next few days I will reveal more of the details of my life to him, particularly my change in sexual orientation. I would like to think that we can renew our friendship. Healing takes time, but it is definitely possible.
I am constantly amazed by the idea that the seemingly huge twists and turns that life takes in the moment appear to be minute with time. I feel my self-confidence returning. It is as if in contacting Ben I suddenly found that part of me that has been missing for the past 7 years. "Oh, there she is!" It isn't just Ben. The woman I have been interacting with for the past two months has reminded me of how wonderful it feels to be loved, nourished, supported, and desired. My relationship with her is not something that I can claim. We are destined for different paths; however, for the first time in 7 years I feel whole again. For years I questioned whether I had made the right choice in embracing my lesbian identity. Now I know that I just had not been meeting the right people. I sense change and await the future with optimism.
